right now, i can feel a myriad of feelings struggling within myself.
what the fuck.
last saturday night, i was out with my usual group of friends when i met someone from my past. a used-to-be-close-girlfriend many many years ago.
we used to be part of the same clique, meeting up everyday and doing things together years ago. we were young and naive. we were not wise. we allowed an outsider to wreck havoc on our friendship, even to the extend of having bad blood between us. things got ugly.
for this reason, the clique began to split up into two groups who kept their distance away from each other. it was not all that difficult as graduation soon came and everyone drifted to their respective paths in life.
i was bitter over the whole incident for a long time. i hated her initially. i really did because i believed that she caused me to lose something that might have been. i was bitter for a long time, years in fact.
until not too long ago,many years after the incident, i had finally found peace. i discovered that i no longer felt badly towards her. moreover, i had entertained thoughts of re-establishing contact with her. mayhap, even to attempt to rebuild whatever friendship that we can manage. although such thoughts did flash through my mind, i did not have the courage to act upon it. i did not want to step out of my comfort zone and did not have the guts to take the risk.
last saturday, i was going merrily about my way when we met her. since we had other common friends (who were not in the previous clique), it was inevitable that we will come face-to-face.
i thought i was brave by initiating conversation. social, safe conversations.
and after that, i thought it went alright. i thought maybe we had finally buried the hatchet.
and that was until five minutes ago, until i read her latest blog entry.
apparently, the hatred in her is still very much alive and all-consuming.
and she even dared to try to turn table around on us, shifting the blame of our past bad blood onto us, going to the extend of calling us names and such.
i’ll be lying if i told you i felt nothing.
yes, i felt something.
i felt anger initially but it subsided to regret almost immediately. regrets and disappointment.
anger. because if it was such a torture to be sociable. jolly well don’t be. why do you have to be so fake when there isn’t any appearances that needed to be kept up?
regret and disappointment. regret that we’ve allowed an outsider to spoil it all in the past. disappointed that even after so many years, she can’t let it go.
i pity her. even after so many years, she is still holding on to the past. although time has passed, she has not moved on.
to her, i only have this to say.
hatred is a tiring burden and by no means a light one. in order to move on with your life completely, let go of it and don’t let it drag you down.
your life is yours and you don’t get a second chance with it. live it. you can’t if you don’t move on.
and i’m sincerely wishing you the best in your career.
forgive and forget.
3 such little words.
3 such very difficult words.
i can understand but i can’t achieve.
i can forgive but i cannot forget.
but can you even forgive?