post of weary

i’m sick and tired of all the nonsense. when will it ever cease?

stop taking advantage of my trust and faith in people, it will run dry one day and that day is coming really soon.

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feeling the blues

i looked through my hall pictures all over again.

right from the time when i was a freshman…up til i was a final year senior in hall.

as i scanned through the pictures, i came across some taken during my freshman orientation.

i looked terrible them, bare-faced coupled with a horrible hairstyle. okay, not exactly horrible, but terribly o-biang, can?

although most of us looked much worse back then, but i saw the way i was smiling in the picture. it was a carefree and genuine smile that radiated joy. i smiled like i meant it and so did the rest.

looking at it brought a smile to my lips now… as i could still remember the silly things we did.

but this joy quickly turned into sorrow…as it dawned upon me that those days are gone, so far gone that i can never experience it again.

within a timespan of less than a minute, the smile died on my lips, leaving misty eyes.

i know i keep talking about my hall days, because i realize that those were the days of innocence, of being carefree, of being real.

stepping out into the working society and into my present office, going to work seemed like entering upon a battlefield. instead of artillery and swords, we have hurtful words, lousy attitudes and back-stabbing knives.

is all that really necessary? it’s not as if a million dollars is at stake, you know?

i’m so tired of listening to people bitch about one another, witnessing how people try to outdo each other through all sort of devious means, of having to look over my shoulder all the time in fear.

i’m not saying i can’t live with this. i’m not saying that i can’t deal with this realistic society.

but it just makes me so fucking tired.

i’m so tired of being realistic, of being practical, of being careful, of being cynical.

i just want to be that little girl that stays in a beautiful garden with all her good friends sometimes.

do you understand?

loss

on the day england lost their dream of world cup 2006, i lost a dear friend that is close to my heart.

a very late but very important update: england still lost their dream of world cup 2006… but i did not lose my friend. thank god! *dances around*

stupid wordpress’s comments functions is screwed up big time!

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paranoid

i realise that i’m becoming a little paranoid… i keep thinking that what i have imagined in my head is going to come true and it seems to me that there are signs pointing towards it. i wish there was someone i could talk to regarding this because as what they say, the on-looker will be able to see things more clearly.

i wish that the on-looker would tell me that i’m being over-sensitive. i wish that the on-looker would tell me that i’m being plain silly. i wish that the on-looker would tell me that i’ve over-analysed things. i wish that the on-looker would tell me that i’m over paranoid.

most of all, i wish that the on-looker can tell me that this is just a bad dream that i can wake up from.

is that possible?

updates: i don’t know if it’s fate…but less than 2 hours within this was posted, someone cleared this up for me. i was not oversensitive nor paranoid…i read the signs but interpreted them wrongly. or so i think.

and yes, i lurveeeeeee gracey!

overcast skies

weekends to me are like water to a person struggling to survive in the dry hot desert.

it enables me to survive.

another weekend has just passed me by and i’m glad to say that i’ve spent it with much gusto and fun, catching the world cup and singing at the usual joint.

amist all the joy and laughter, i realise a small part of my sky is overcast. darky and stormy clouds loom in that little portion, threatening to spill over if i can’t control it well.

in the past, i’ve always thought of myself as a strong person. friends in my past can testify to that because i’m the one that they pour out their woes to, i’m the one they can depend on to give them a logical, reasonable, practical and realistic solution. this was because my head could rule my heart.

however, as i grew older, i realise the voice of my head is gradually diminishing and the voice from the heart has grown in importance and volume, resulting in clouded judgement and many decisions that might be….unwise.

i’m not too sure why this happened. maybe at some point in my past life, i felt that i was missing out. missing out on alot of new adventures and experiences because i was too logical and played it too safe. and maybe then, i resolved that i shall throw caution to the wind and go where my heart brings me.

i must have done that very well. so well that now, it has gone just a little beyond my control.

i realise that i’m weak, by my own standards. in my dictionary, weakness is defined as not being able to totally control how you want to feel and act. yes, total control. that means that i can tell myself what to feel, what to not feel, what to do, and what not to do.

yes, i’ve identified the problem and also the corresponding solution. what i need to do now, will be to execute the solution.

and that is what i will try to do.

if i can’t achieve it thoroughly, i need to at least achieve it at the most superficial level where i can give the world the impression that i am not weak. not weak! you understand!

*cue to play I Will Survive song*

tee hee hee.

anyway, every cloud has its silver lining, so let’s move on to happier stuff. let me start by counting my recent blessings.

i’ve met a great group of friends. i’ve strengthened and deepened my friendship with one very dear friend, at least in my opinion, and i hope she feels the same way too! i’ve learnt more about soccer. i’ve had a thrilling moment.

see, my silver lining is actually….quite thick! so i shouldn’t complain.

there might be overcast skies, but we must try to have faith. faith that the sun will always appear and there will be gloomy skies no more.

the one about the last one

the last person of my hall clique has just moved out of hall. that put a full stop to my previous hall life as i will no longer have any reason to go back to that place that is filled with such joyous memories.

i was chatting with one of my close hall friends, YJ, and something he said struck me very deeply.

when the 3-year course people were moving out of hall, namely people in the accountancy and business course, the remaining of our hall friends were saddened just like we were. i remembered that i had cried buckets over the thought of leaving behind my hall life. as we were packing and putting everything in boxes, i could literally see all the previous scenes of my experiences in hall right in front of my eyes. it was heartbreaking.

but just as the world continues to spin, time will not stop for you and me. i said my last goodbyes to my room and to my beloved hallmates and left the place with much lingering gaze.

a year has passed and although i still think of my hall days with much fondness and mayhap a little sadness, i’m glad to say that most of my hall friends are still bonded quite strongly and that is a strong consolation.

now, it’s their turn to pack up and leave. just like us, they did it with much sorrow…maybe lesser compared to us since there were nobody to say goodbye to, nobody to leave behind and as ridiculous as it sounds, i felt a tinge of sadness too.

for this signifies the last of our hall days and puts a stop to any possibility of us going back to hall to relive our old days.

YJ said,” when you all were leaving, all of us were sad. now that we’re leaving and although some of you have moved on for a year, you still feel so strongly the loss. that really say something about what we’ve gained here over the years, doesn’t it?”

yes, what i’ve gained in hall is priceless. living together with so many people, almost 24/7, have allowed a certain group of us to bond together…to develop that degree of friendship that is so beyond our reach sometimes.

if only i could turn back time and experience that all over again. if only.

i miss you, hall four. but more importantly, i miss the together-ness that i’ve felt when i was staying there.

goodbye and thank you for the memories.

a rainy day

it’s raining again. overcast skies, thunder and lightening, non-stop pouring of sleets of rainfall.

for some reason, the rain reminds me of you, surprisingly enough. i can’t help thinking how nice it will be for you to be around now, to give me warmth with your great hugs and make me feel safe despite the thunder roaring outside.

i really miss you with a kind of pain now. are you thinking of me as well?